Depression

With the passing of Robin Williams yesterday, I've felt very strongly that I need to share about depression. We all remember Robin as a genius; a hilarious genius. He was happy and personable, which is why we feel as though we lost one of our friends. 

Guys, depression is a real thing. I have family and friends that suffer it. Heck, I suffer with depression. Thankfully I have mine under control and have way more good days than bad. Other people aren't so lucky, though. As I was talking with my mom last night, we both agreed that sometimes, when people commit suicide, they just want to have the pain stop for a little while. Some of them might not mean to take it that far. There comes a point that depression takes over for some people, and it becomes a silent disability. Take my uncle, for example. He suffered with depression for many, many years. I honestly don't remember him ever being depressed, because he was always so happy and full of energy with us. But he was depressed. REALLY depressed. It got to the point that he turned to heroin simply because he needed the pain to stop. Unfortunately he was dealt a bad batch, and it cost him his life. I truly believe with Mr. Williams, that he just was seeking for the pain to go away for a while. 

For a lot of people, depression doesn't get to the point of suicide. But for others it does. I don't believe that makes them a coward. I don't think that they're really able to focus on anything else than stopping the pain. I think at that point, the depression has completely overwhelmed and taken over them, and they're just seeking a way out. 

Depression affects everyone whether you have it or know someone that does. Here are some of the signs of clinical depression (taken from WEBMD): 

Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

Fatigue and decreased energy

Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism

Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping

Irritability, restlessness

Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex

Overeating or appetite loss

Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings

Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

If you or someone you know is dealing with these, please seek help. Call your doctor and consider taking medication to help. I do. I'm not ashamed of it. If you're considering suicide, I urge you to call 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). 

Don't push those with depression out. Whenever we're at our lowest, that's when we need you the most. 

Signing

This weekend was something great!! Pretty much everyone knows that Tyler was assigned to learn sign language in the last area of his mission. This last weekend, his ASL teacher and her husband flew to Idaho Falls for Don's dad's funeral. It was really great seeing Anna and Don. Thursday evening we went to Don's mother's house and spent a few hours with them. It was so fun being able to sign again! It's amazing how quickly some of it came back. Anna is deaf, so signing really is the only form of communication! Thank goodness she is so patient with me, because there were several times I had to finger spell the word I wanted to use so she could teach me the sign. By the end of the weekend, I could actually hold a full conversation with her again! Tyler and I made the commitment to Anna that we would use sign a lot  more than we have been. 
Macie fell in love with Anna and Don, which made us feel great! If you know anything about the deaf community, a name sign is an honor to receive. Macie got her very own name sign this weekend. It's the letter M while signing pretty. It suits her quite well! 

My absolute favorite part of this weekend was being able to go to the Idaho Falls temple with them. What a treat to participate in an ASL session! Since the interpreter that usually works wasn't at that particular session, I got to do a little bit of interpreting for one of the sisters so she could understand Anna. Though I'm not really great at it, it was a really spiritual experience for me, and I guarantee that the Lord helped me understand more than I usually do! I can't wait to see them again so we can go do another session with them! 

Don's family is wonderful, too! Tyler and I felt like we fit right in! I'm so grateful for the chance I had this weekend to be able to learn and grow both in sign and spiritually! We definitely can't wait to teach Macie sign, and to continue to use it in our home.

Don, Tyler, me and Anna

Lately

This month has been somewhat of a whirlwind. We moved from Auburn to Rexburg, and I'm still pretty stinking homesick. I hear that will pass, though.

On Thursday, Tyler was sick and Macie wasn't feeling well, either, but I'm pretty sure that had more to do with teeth than a virus. Nurse Mommy/Wife to the rescue! What a busy day!! I ended up sleeping (or not sleeping) in the living room with Macie in her pack and play that night, rather than get up and down out of bed all night long. I thought it was going to be a really crappy night, and for the most part it was rough. From about midnight to two was nice for me, though! Macie would only really sleep if I snuggled her. While I was holding my little girl, I couldn't help but feel incredibly blessed. This tiny person smiles whenever I walk into the room; reaches out to me when she wants me; plays with me every day! She can't verbally tell me she loves me, but I know she does. She's almost eight months old and already gives me kisses. She hugs my neck when she gets excited, and she squeals when we play. It's heaven on earth! When I was snuggling her, she opened her eyes, grabbed the collar of my shirt, smiled and fell back to sleep. For all the things that happen that drive me crazy or make me nauseated, those snuggles, smiles, hugs and daily playtime sure make up for it!!

Our entire lives we prepare for motherhood (or fatherhood), but we aren't ever really ready. Heck, I find myself second guessing all the time! How do I  know I'm doing things right? To me, it's when we read books and she does the touch and feel parts. Or when she says, "Ma ma ma ma." Or the times she pulls herself up on my arms and looks at me with a look that says, "Aren't you proud of me, Mom?" and shrieks. Or when it's bedtime, and we read family scriptures. She sits on my lap with her bottle and quietly listens. Most of the time she doesn't fight us when we help her fold her arms. I know she is on the right track, and I know that Tyler and I are doing things the best we can.

On a more fun note, we took Macie to Porter Park for the first time! She wasn't too thrilled with the slides, but she really loved swinging!! She smiled quite a bit, especially when playing with her daddy. She's such a daddy's girl, and it's so fun for me to watch!

Yep...that's about all that's been on my mind lately! 

No, she is not posing! I love how photogenic she is!!!

Testimony

So it's been a while. Again. I tell ya, I'm terrible at this stuff! A lot has been going on. My sweet baby is already four and a half months old. Let me tell you, she has a giant personality, and will tell you when she's happy, but that can turn around in half a second. She's growing every day, and is a little sponge that absorbs everything around her!

We're getting ready to move to Rexburg in August so Tyler can complete his Bachelor's degree. We're both looking forward to it. I get to be near my sister and her soon-to-be husband, as well as two of my closest friends and Tyler's cousin.

Let's get to the real reason for this post.

Today I watched the broadcast from the Marriott Center in Utah. I know they made some announcements regarding missionary work, but they focused heavily on member missionary work, and how we need to not be afraid to talk about the gospel with those around us. I have ALWAYS been terrible about sharing my testimony. I have one - a strong one - but I'm soft spoken when it comes to sharing it with others. I shouldn't be; I know that. But I am. I think a lot of it has to do with me loving the gospel so much, and having a fear of it being rejected. Especially by my friends. After listening to the words that were said tonight, though, I really felt like I should share my testimony.

I love this church. I love my Savior and my Heavenly Father. I know that Jesus Christ lives, and that he atoned for our sins. I know He knows everything I have ever gone through, and feels the joys and pains with me. I know that Joseph Smith saw God the Father and Christ, who led him to restore the Church. Thomas S. Monson is the living prophet, called by God to lead this church. He receives direction and instruction from the Lord.
Without a doubt, I know that families are eternal when sealed by the proper authority in the temple. I WILL see my dad and my uncle again. I will get to be with my husband and my children for all eternity if we live righteously and keep the covenants we have made.
The Book of Mormon is true. It is the word of God. It brings us happiness, peace, wisdom and answers to prayers. We receive answers to prayers, and, when followed, they bring us joy. Sometimes the answers don't come right away, and sometimes they are not the answers we are looking for, but they will always bring happiness when followed.
This is the true church. It just is. I know that when we take the time to read The Book of Mormon and pray to know the truthfulness of the gospel, we will find that it is indeed true. I love the gospel, and am grateful for the influence it is in my life on a daily basis.

I hope you really read all of that! If you did, you rock.

Macie's birth story

After Macie was born, I was overwhelmed. She had a twelve day stay in the NICU, which gave me a little downtime to write the following. Hopefully you'll bear with me - it's really long. And posting it is kind of overdue.

2/10/13

She's here! 6 lb 8 oz and 18.75" long!

What a whirlwind of a week. Macie Arin Mallory was born on February 4, 2013 at 2:29 pm at Swedish Medical Center after exactly twelve hours of labor. She weighed 6 lbs 8.3 oz and was 18 ¾ inches long. We went to the hospital at 5:30 since my contractions had only been getting stronger since 2:30 that morning. Labor was fairly easy, but it was planned to be that way. Due to my Marfan syndrome, the providers did not want me to feel my contractions, so I was given an epidural almost immediately after being admitted at 8:00 am. I have to say, what a wonderful thing! For most of the labor process, I didn’t feel a thing! They monitored contractions, obviously. My baseline on the paper was 20. About two hours before she was born, I really started feeling the contractions. Mom said the monitor was reading all the way up to 120-125. They were really strong contractions! I needed the anesthesiologist to give me a bolus of more medication three or four times. I still didn’t feel a whole lot of relief, so the doctor came back to check me about 2:00. Tyler, Mom and Sandy had just gone to the cafeteria to get something to eat since Ty hadn’t eaten all morning. When my cervix was checked, Dr. Sameer Gopalani’s eyes got huge and he said to call Tyler back because I had gone from 5 centimeters to 10 centimeters in a little over an hour! While they were prepping for delivery, Tyler and Mom made it back. I was told they didn’t want me pushing. The plan had been to use forceps while I push for a few minutes, but it went back to using just forceps. Apparently it was a good thing I couldn’t feel anything from my waist down. Tyler looked at me with wide eyes and said the resident who was going to perform the delivery had her entire hand inside of me. Macie had her little hand next to her face, so they were moving her hand back. The forceps went in, and Tyler said they pulled only twice before our little girl made her entrance. It didn’t take long before she started to cry! Tyler and I looked at each other, both with tears in our eyes, and smiled.

Daddy holds his baby girl for the first time!

Tyler got to cut her cord, and she was taken to the warmer. While she was at the warmer, I got stitched up – I had two small tears and a hematoma. They got Macie a little cleaned up, wrapped her in a blanket and put her in my arms. I loved her immediately!! I have never loved anyone like I love her. I would give anything for that sweet baby, and so would her daddy. Something ended up being wrong – Macie wasn’t breathing correctly; her chest was retracting too much. They took her up to the NICU to monitor her, but before they did that, Tyler gave her a father’s blessing. I couldn’t hear everything he said because he was trying to do it quietly, but Mom and Sandy say he was very emotional and could barely make it through. That night she was put on a CPAP machine. The doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong, only that her oxygen was very low. Scott and Tyler decided she needed a healing blessing, and went to give her one. Almost immediately afterward, the doctors did an x-ray and found a pneumothorax in her left lung that took up the entire side of the outer wall.

First time I got to hold her for more than three minutes

The next morning they let me have skin time with her. What a relief to hold my sweet baby girl! I had never felt such joy! Her eyes were wide open and she would follow Tyler with them as he talked to her. Her oxygen level still wasn’t where they wanted it to be, so that night they intubated her and put her on a ventilator. When we got the call that she was being intubated, Tyler and I were alone in our room for the first time all night. I sat in bed with Tyler’s arms wrapped around me and sobbed. Our baby was sick. It was scary seeing her with all the tubes down her throat. She was not the most responsive, and it was hard on both of us to watch her. I felt helpless; I couldn’t do anything for Macie, and it broke my heart. I wanted so badly to just hold her close and tell her everything was going to be alright, but I didn’t know that myself. I had to trust in the Lord and remind Him of that blessing I’d received the night before. That blessing was one of the most incredible blessings I had ever received! I don’t remember everything from it at this point. I do remember the exact phrase, “Macie knows how much we love her. The three of us chose to be a family. Heavenly Father sent her to us knowing we would love her like He does.” That was perhaps the most powerful moment since our sealing. At that moment I knew just how much my Father in Heaven loves and trusts me. It’s a miracle to bring a little spirit into this world and give them a body. I know without a doubt that Macie knew the trials that she would have after immediately entering this world. As much as it hurts Tyler and me emotionally, it also has been strengthening us. It has allowed us to rely on each other and on the Lord, and has brought us closer together as a couple.

Hooked up to the oscillator and under the UV light.

Macie’s lungs still weren’t really responding to her treatments on the ventilator. Dr. Emmy (I can’t remember her last name since we all just call her Emmy) decided that they best treatment would be an oscillator. It’s a machine that holds her lungs open enough and does all the breathing for her. It doesn’t allow them to close, and keeps them essentially at rest so her pneumothorax could heal. That really seemed to do the work! After just two days on the oscillator, Macie’s pneumothorax was close to being gone! It was healed enough that the doctors felt comfortable taking her tubes out. She had been put on a sedative called Fentanyl since she was trying to fight a little against the tubes, so that caused her to stop breathing on her own once they had extubated her. They re-intubated her and put her on the ventilator. She was on it for just another day before she was able to come off. She did quite well holding her own oxygen yesterday (2/9), but they still felt like she needed just a little assistance, so she’s on a cannula now. The only reason she needs assistance is because her oxygen levels drop when she throws a fit. She’s being fed breast milk down a tube and has been tolerating it so well that they’re thinking she might be able to actually breastfeed in just a day or two!! Dr. Emmy thinks that she might be able to come home on Saturday, 2/16!

That’s where we’re at right now. Now I just want to write a little about how I’ve felt all week.

Off the ventilator

I’m finally starting to feel better. It was really hard for me realizing we’d be coming home without Macie. We actually came home tonight, and I haven’t really been able to stop crying. I’ll get to that later, though. I’ve heard my entire life that the love a parent has for a child is remarkable. I’ve always wondered what that feels like, and couldn’t really imagine feeling love for someone having never met them. I loved her when I was pregnant. I thought I had that love then! Once she was born, it multiplied infinitely! I can’t even describe it. I want to give her everything! Watching her in her little bed in the NICU, my chest feels like it’s going to explode with happiness! I get butterflies when I hold that little girl. Life is good with her, even through the hard things. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about trials. I’ve been wondering, since Macie is not going to remember any of this, if we are going through this to somehow help Tyler and I learn something. I’m not sure what that something is yet, but I truly feel like this trial is for us and not our baby. It’s been a trying week. I read a quote on one of my friends’ walls on Facebook that has really been sticking with me this week: “God gave you this life because He knows you can handle it.” That’s been with me so much this week because I’ve had many times where I feel I can’t handle it anymore. That’s the great thing about the priesthood and about prayer. So many people have been praying for Macie that I’ve been touched greatly. The prayers that have gone up in our family’s behalf have truly been felt. It’s a miracle that she has progressed so quickly in her healing.

I feel like I have been kind of snappy with Tyler, though. I don’t mean to be. I know that he’s hurting, too. I also know that he’s just trying to make me feel better about the situation. One thing I’ve noticed and always appreciated about him is that he is truly a positive person. It’s been a huge blessing during all of this. He is also strong. He has been so strong during all of this, that sometimes I question whether he hurts like I do. I know he does, though. He feels like he has to be strong. Sometimes I wish that he would just let it out and cry to me. I want to know how he’s feeling. I want to know the love he has for his baby girl. Man, the way he looks at baby Macie is just something else! I’ve never seen him look at anyone the way he looks at her. His eyes are filled with so much love and adoration. He barely takes his eyes off her when we’re all together! I’m thankful for the wonderful father that he is to her already. He’s able to comfort her when no one else is. That little girl responds so incredibly well to her daddy’s voice!

Finally going home!

Oh! I forgot to mention her nurses! She has the world’s BEST nurses! Gayle has been a NICU nurse for 22 years now. She is phenomenal at her job. You can see how much she loves the babies she works with. I’m glad she’s been Macie’s primary nurse during the day shift. She’s gotten to know Macie so well that she is able to tell when she’s hungry, wet, upset, etc. It’s nice for us to know that our baby is in the hands of someone who loves her. Her nurse the last few nights, Rachelle, is great, too! She made Macie the cutest sign for by her bed that has her name, birth stats, birthday and footprints on it. I love it! I haven’t seen Macie with her, but she interacts well with Gayle. We LOVE Gayle and all she does to care for her. We also really love Emmy, who has been her doctor twice now. I’m convinced that God is guiding her hands, as she’s the one who has caught everything so far. I’m sure her other doctors are good, but Emmy takes the time to call us and fill us in on what is going on, or to get our permission for something, etc. It’s great to watch her, because it’s obvious how much she loves what she does. Without that team, I know Macie wouldn’t be progressing like she is now. 

Macie now. Just relaxing. That girl LOVES her binky!!

I’m overwhelmed with gratitude to my Father in Heaven for allowing me to raise this sweet spirit with Tyler. I know I’m a far cry from perfect, but I hope to raise her in a way that is pleasing to Him. I love Macie. I want nothing but the best for her. 

Back to now. We finally went home as a family on February 16. Macie's three months old now, and a complete joy to have in our home! She smiles a lot, is just starting to babble, and trying to giggle. I love watching her grow!

Catching Up

So I'm officially the worst at blogging.

It feels like a lot has happened in the last month and a half! Christmas was awesome. We spent Christmas Eve at a party with Tyler's mom's side of the family. It was really fun! I love being around family for the holidays. After the party we went back to my mom's house and opened presents with them. Kinda broke tradition, but mom had a lot to do the next day (with Christmas falling on a Sunday and everything), so this made it easier. It worked out perfectly for us, because we wanted to spend Christmas day with Tyler's family since he hadn't been there for two years. I couldn't have asked for a better first Christmas! We went to his family's ward for Sacrament meeting, then went home. Sandy made everyone breakfast and we relaxed for a little while before opening presents. Tyler LOVED his perfect pull-up and has even got me working out on it! I'll get there a little later, though. He got me things that I love, of course! We watch Parks and Recreation every week, and he got me the book that was published for an episode of it. It's so funny!! We spent the rest of the day playing games with Emily and just relaxing. Around 5:30 or so we headed up to my sister's place for dinner with  my family. Perfect Christmas!

New Year's Eve was just as awesome! I recently discovered Pinterest and found some really great recipes to try. One of my closest friends, Madison, and her boyfriend, Jon, came over for a small get-together. I was able to try making peanut butter cheesecake mousse cups and oven fried onion rings which both turned out to be fantastic!!! Seriously, I would recommend the recipes to everyone. Madi and Jon brought a fantastic chili, and we had the usual spreads of meats, cheeses and crackers. We played a ton of Forbidden Island. Midnight was super uneventful - thanks, King5.

That perfect pull-up. Tyler loves it. I have a love-hate relationship with it. Let's be really honest, I HATE working out! Hate it. Thanks to my cardiologist, I haven't had to do it since...the 8th grade. I've been blessed with a fast metabolism. My cousin texted me one day telling me she'd learned labor was harder if you're out of shape. I'm not thinking about having a baby anytime soon, but labor intimidates me anyway. Anything to make it easier! So I've started using that blasted equipment to get into shape. Tyler has to pretty much remind me it's work-out night, uh, every time. And every time I try to make up some excuse that will get me out of it. He knows me too well, though, and nothing works. So here I am working out and hating it, but loving the results. 

And finally, we finished putting out apartment together. For those of you that requested pictures, here they are. That's how it's been the last few weeks!

Our cute picture wall that I love!

Dining room table

Living space - can't wait to get my in-laws couches!

Book case with our supply of movies/tv seasons. :)

LOVE this lamp and the picture of my dad. The wood stands are from the reception.

    

Newlyweds

Well, here we are! I think a "finally" might be in order. I know this is nearly three months after the fact, but we're married! Life has never been better, if you ask me. We were sealed in the Seattle Temple on September 3rd, 2011. Description of the day? Perfect. Seriously, everything went off without a hitch. I think the worst thing that happened all day was my hair needing to be fixed before the reception. I feel like we waited for that day for so long! (For those of you that don't know, I waited for Tyler while he served a mission in the San Fernando Valley in California for two years.) The wedding was perfect, as was our reception. It was an awesome party, if I do say so myself!! I was grateful that the people we invited with small children brought them. We liked seeing all the kids we helped with in nursery dance at our reception.

Anna and Don

Our honeymoon was just as wonderful! We went to his mission for a week!! I was so excited to meet so many of the people Tyler loves! We spent a lot of time with his American Sign Language teacher, Anna, and her husband, Don. They are FANTASTIC!!! I immediately loved them. Anna cooked for us, and Don performed magic tricks for us. They had two other friends there, too. We had a blast. Anna loves to play Rummikub, so we spent time doing that.
Of course we did all the fun things like Disneyland, too! We also went to the Santa Monica Pier, Hollywood Blvd, the walk at Universal Studios, and my personal favorite - the set of The Office!!

Yep, be jealous! 

It. was. awesome!! Did I mention the Camero we drove? Yep. Super cool!! We had lunch with his mission president and his wife, as well as twenty other missionaries at their home. We went all over his mission, and he showed me the different areas he served in. Our hotel was absolutely beautiful!!! We stayed in Pasadena at a hotel called The Langham. Our room was gorgeous, and we loved it. Someday we both want to go back - mainly to see everyone again!

And now? Back to reality. But here are a few more fun pictures. :)

The cast of Harry Potter

The rental car!

The view from the top of the Ferris wheel at the pier 

Our view from the hotel room

Disneyland