Macie's birth story

After Macie was born, I was overwhelmed. She had a twelve day stay in the NICU, which gave me a little downtime to write the following. Hopefully you'll bear with me - it's really long. And posting it is kind of overdue.

2/10/13

She's here! 6 lb 8 oz and 18.75" long!

What a whirlwind of a week. Macie Arin Mallory was born on February 4, 2013 at 2:29 pm at Swedish Medical Center after exactly twelve hours of labor. She weighed 6 lbs 8.3 oz and was 18 ¾ inches long. We went to the hospital at 5:30 since my contractions had only been getting stronger since 2:30 that morning. Labor was fairly easy, but it was planned to be that way. Due to my Marfan syndrome, the providers did not want me to feel my contractions, so I was given an epidural almost immediately after being admitted at 8:00 am. I have to say, what a wonderful thing! For most of the labor process, I didn’t feel a thing! They monitored contractions, obviously. My baseline on the paper was 20. About two hours before she was born, I really started feeling the contractions. Mom said the monitor was reading all the way up to 120-125. They were really strong contractions! I needed the anesthesiologist to give me a bolus of more medication three or four times. I still didn’t feel a whole lot of relief, so the doctor came back to check me about 2:00. Tyler, Mom and Sandy had just gone to the cafeteria to get something to eat since Ty hadn’t eaten all morning. When my cervix was checked, Dr. Sameer Gopalani’s eyes got huge and he said to call Tyler back because I had gone from 5 centimeters to 10 centimeters in a little over an hour! While they were prepping for delivery, Tyler and Mom made it back. I was told they didn’t want me pushing. The plan had been to use forceps while I push for a few minutes, but it went back to using just forceps. Apparently it was a good thing I couldn’t feel anything from my waist down. Tyler looked at me with wide eyes and said the resident who was going to perform the delivery had her entire hand inside of me. Macie had her little hand next to her face, so they were moving her hand back. The forceps went in, and Tyler said they pulled only twice before our little girl made her entrance. It didn’t take long before she started to cry! Tyler and I looked at each other, both with tears in our eyes, and smiled.

Daddy holds his baby girl for the first time!

Tyler got to cut her cord, and she was taken to the warmer. While she was at the warmer, I got stitched up – I had two small tears and a hematoma. They got Macie a little cleaned up, wrapped her in a blanket and put her in my arms. I loved her immediately!! I have never loved anyone like I love her. I would give anything for that sweet baby, and so would her daddy. Something ended up being wrong – Macie wasn’t breathing correctly; her chest was retracting too much. They took her up to the NICU to monitor her, but before they did that, Tyler gave her a father’s blessing. I couldn’t hear everything he said because he was trying to do it quietly, but Mom and Sandy say he was very emotional and could barely make it through. That night she was put on a CPAP machine. The doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong, only that her oxygen was very low. Scott and Tyler decided she needed a healing blessing, and went to give her one. Almost immediately afterward, the doctors did an x-ray and found a pneumothorax in her left lung that took up the entire side of the outer wall.

First time I got to hold her for more than three minutes

The next morning they let me have skin time with her. What a relief to hold my sweet baby girl! I had never felt such joy! Her eyes were wide open and she would follow Tyler with them as he talked to her. Her oxygen level still wasn’t where they wanted it to be, so that night they intubated her and put her on a ventilator. When we got the call that she was being intubated, Tyler and I were alone in our room for the first time all night. I sat in bed with Tyler’s arms wrapped around me and sobbed. Our baby was sick. It was scary seeing her with all the tubes down her throat. She was not the most responsive, and it was hard on both of us to watch her. I felt helpless; I couldn’t do anything for Macie, and it broke my heart. I wanted so badly to just hold her close and tell her everything was going to be alright, but I didn’t know that myself. I had to trust in the Lord and remind Him of that blessing I’d received the night before. That blessing was one of the most incredible blessings I had ever received! I don’t remember everything from it at this point. I do remember the exact phrase, “Macie knows how much we love her. The three of us chose to be a family. Heavenly Father sent her to us knowing we would love her like He does.” That was perhaps the most powerful moment since our sealing. At that moment I knew just how much my Father in Heaven loves and trusts me. It’s a miracle to bring a little spirit into this world and give them a body. I know without a doubt that Macie knew the trials that she would have after immediately entering this world. As much as it hurts Tyler and me emotionally, it also has been strengthening us. It has allowed us to rely on each other and on the Lord, and has brought us closer together as a couple.

Hooked up to the oscillator and under the UV light.

Macie’s lungs still weren’t really responding to her treatments on the ventilator. Dr. Emmy (I can’t remember her last name since we all just call her Emmy) decided that they best treatment would be an oscillator. It’s a machine that holds her lungs open enough and does all the breathing for her. It doesn’t allow them to close, and keeps them essentially at rest so her pneumothorax could heal. That really seemed to do the work! After just two days on the oscillator, Macie’s pneumothorax was close to being gone! It was healed enough that the doctors felt comfortable taking her tubes out. She had been put on a sedative called Fentanyl since she was trying to fight a little against the tubes, so that caused her to stop breathing on her own once they had extubated her. They re-intubated her and put her on the ventilator. She was on it for just another day before she was able to come off. She did quite well holding her own oxygen yesterday (2/9), but they still felt like she needed just a little assistance, so she’s on a cannula now. The only reason she needs assistance is because her oxygen levels drop when she throws a fit. She’s being fed breast milk down a tube and has been tolerating it so well that they’re thinking she might be able to actually breastfeed in just a day or two!! Dr. Emmy thinks that she might be able to come home on Saturday, 2/16!

That’s where we’re at right now. Now I just want to write a little about how I’ve felt all week.

Off the ventilator

I’m finally starting to feel better. It was really hard for me realizing we’d be coming home without Macie. We actually came home tonight, and I haven’t really been able to stop crying. I’ll get to that later, though. I’ve heard my entire life that the love a parent has for a child is remarkable. I’ve always wondered what that feels like, and couldn’t really imagine feeling love for someone having never met them. I loved her when I was pregnant. I thought I had that love then! Once she was born, it multiplied infinitely! I can’t even describe it. I want to give her everything! Watching her in her little bed in the NICU, my chest feels like it’s going to explode with happiness! I get butterflies when I hold that little girl. Life is good with her, even through the hard things. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about trials. I’ve been wondering, since Macie is not going to remember any of this, if we are going through this to somehow help Tyler and I learn something. I’m not sure what that something is yet, but I truly feel like this trial is for us and not our baby. It’s been a trying week. I read a quote on one of my friends’ walls on Facebook that has really been sticking with me this week: “God gave you this life because He knows you can handle it.” That’s been with me so much this week because I’ve had many times where I feel I can’t handle it anymore. That’s the great thing about the priesthood and about prayer. So many people have been praying for Macie that I’ve been touched greatly. The prayers that have gone up in our family’s behalf have truly been felt. It’s a miracle that she has progressed so quickly in her healing.

I feel like I have been kind of snappy with Tyler, though. I don’t mean to be. I know that he’s hurting, too. I also know that he’s just trying to make me feel better about the situation. One thing I’ve noticed and always appreciated about him is that he is truly a positive person. It’s been a huge blessing during all of this. He is also strong. He has been so strong during all of this, that sometimes I question whether he hurts like I do. I know he does, though. He feels like he has to be strong. Sometimes I wish that he would just let it out and cry to me. I want to know how he’s feeling. I want to know the love he has for his baby girl. Man, the way he looks at baby Macie is just something else! I’ve never seen him look at anyone the way he looks at her. His eyes are filled with so much love and adoration. He barely takes his eyes off her when we’re all together! I’m thankful for the wonderful father that he is to her already. He’s able to comfort her when no one else is. That little girl responds so incredibly well to her daddy’s voice!

Finally going home!

Oh! I forgot to mention her nurses! She has the world’s BEST nurses! Gayle has been a NICU nurse for 22 years now. She is phenomenal at her job. You can see how much she loves the babies she works with. I’m glad she’s been Macie’s primary nurse during the day shift. She’s gotten to know Macie so well that she is able to tell when she’s hungry, wet, upset, etc. It’s nice for us to know that our baby is in the hands of someone who loves her. Her nurse the last few nights, Rachelle, is great, too! She made Macie the cutest sign for by her bed that has her name, birth stats, birthday and footprints on it. I love it! I haven’t seen Macie with her, but she interacts well with Gayle. We LOVE Gayle and all she does to care for her. We also really love Emmy, who has been her doctor twice now. I’m convinced that God is guiding her hands, as she’s the one who has caught everything so far. I’m sure her other doctors are good, but Emmy takes the time to call us and fill us in on what is going on, or to get our permission for something, etc. It’s great to watch her, because it’s obvious how much she loves what she does. Without that team, I know Macie wouldn’t be progressing like she is now. 

Macie now. Just relaxing. That girl LOVES her binky!!

I’m overwhelmed with gratitude to my Father in Heaven for allowing me to raise this sweet spirit with Tyler. I know I’m a far cry from perfect, but I hope to raise her in a way that is pleasing to Him. I love Macie. I want nothing but the best for her. 

Back to now. We finally went home as a family on February 16. Macie's three months old now, and a complete joy to have in our home! She smiles a lot, is just starting to babble, and trying to giggle. I love watching her grow!